A loud bang came from the official’s gun, and I, along with about 25 others, began the long race ahead. Even though it was only a preseason track meet at Mililani High School, it was my first official race against other schools. However, I wasn’t really prepared, because I was lazy and slacked during practice in the last couple weeks. But at the end of this first race, my attitude towards track changed.
It was the 1500-meter race (3 and ¾ laps around the track), and I came in at 21st place. I felt ashamed of myself, because I knew I should’ve better than how I did in that race. I hated the fact that I got burned by 20 other people. I stopped taking track as just fun and games. I wanted to be faster. In order to do so, I knew I had to commit to it – something that I’m not used to doing.
During the next month, I started running 100% during practices. I don’t think I ever walked anymore when we ran out of campus around Moanalua Valley or along Likini Street. I felt myself getting better each day, and it showed every Saturday track meet. My times got better after each week, and I had reached a point I never thought I’d reach. I started running my mile in under 6 minutes and running long distances was no longer a pain, it was more like fun.
During my last track meet (I didn’t know it was my last track meet at the time), I was more nervous about a race than ever before. I had to give it my all or else I wouldn’t be able to advance and my track season would be over. When the official’s gun fired, all of my nervous thoughts were gone. The only thing in my head was, “Beat the guy in front of you…”
I ended up 11th place, not the best place to finish, but pretty good considering I was racing with the best in the island. I also missed the next qualifying time by 2 seconds, ending my track season. I was very disappointed, but I knew I gave it my all, and the improvement I made was enough to make me glad I committed to getting better. That track season showed me that I could handle what it takes to commit to something, learn from my mistakes, and improve, no matter how hard it may be. Now I view life from a different perspective. The easy way out isn’t the right way. I have to take life one step at a time.
3 comments:
HI BESTFRIEND! =]
I enjoyed reading your piece.
I could imagine you running for your life at your last track meet. Although you didn't win 1st, you did really good.
I don't see any grammatical errors.
I could see a little bit of voice in your piece, but I think you can add more detail about how nervous you were.
Show more of the physical feelings of accomplishment, nervousness, and determination.
Did you have butterflies in your stomach?
or Did it feel as if you wanted to throw up?
Etc...
Overall, it was neatly written and organized.
Good job buddy!
Your piece was enjoyable. I could relate to how you felt after the first race. Trust me I really can.
Anyways grammatical and spelling looks good. But what might have helped with voice is if you put what you were feeling and thinking while the races were going on.
Explaining the physical pain and mental stress while you were pushing to get better would add more "JUICE" to the piece.
Explaining how you matured, grew, and changed your outlook on life was a good +.
Overall it is a good piece with potential to be better and very well organized.
Good Job Dude
Hi Bryan,
I enjoyed your piece and am wondering, when did this track meet and your COA experience take place?
I ask that because I have noticed a difference in you...I can see your attitude that "the easy way out isn't the right way" and a sense of commitment in other areas besides track :)
For the revision, look through the draft and note the "tell" parts...see if you can convert these to "show" instead. (For example, instead of explaining how you slacked and how you were ashamed, show this by specific memories of what your "slacking" had looked like and specific details to show you were ashamed.)
Good specifics with the street names and such. Try for some specific sensory detail to show how you exerted yourself during those training runs.
Then, add a few more details to "put the reader there" in that last run...and get the reader to "see" that even though you didn't qualify, you were satisfied that you'd given it your best shot.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s
Post a Comment